One of the biggest decisions a woman breadwinner will ever make is whether to relocate her life, her family, and, oftentimes, her career from one geographic location to another.  As she moves up the corporate ladder or grows her business to an extraordinary place or experiences major life transitions like death, divorce, or financial devastation, relocation becomes an option that will have to be evaluated.  So the question is:

Stay or go?

Once that question goes out, what most people do is this: they weigh the pros and cons, write down their options, look at scenarios based on “best case” situations, assume they have all the information they need and make a blanket decision for the option that, from go, was the choice they wanted to “be right” anyway.  It’s clear why having a narrow focus or zeroing in on the option you want won’t work: it eliminates too many possibilities that could offer a more optimal solution than the one you’re looking at.

When deciding a relocation, here are three questions you can ask yourself to break out of a narrow frame and truly evaluate your options:

1) With the amount of money that I’ll be allocating to living expenses every single month, what would be the best usage of that money? This question widens A LOT.  A- You’re not looking at rent/mortgage allocation alone.  You now have a set amount of money that you can spend in ANY way you want and you might now see that if you moved to a cheaper place, you’d spend less on rent and mortgage and could now funnel the extra cash into a hobby, a new business, having more fun, or putting more money away for retirement of savings.  This opens up a very different world of possibilities where you can evaluate the options of how to spend the money, not simply whether or not you move.

2) If I could no longer relocate to the places I’m considering AND I couldn’t stay where I am, what else could I do?  Dan and Chip Heath (in a book called Decisive) identify this as The Vanishing Options Test.  It forces you to come up with new options, to look at different alternatives, and to get out of the mode that says, “There are only two or three ways I can go here.”  The moment you ask “What else…”, it opens up possibility.

3) How can I have BOTH?  Sometimes, people want to live in a location because of the weather or the activities or the hustle and bustle of the city but that might be counter to the need for a great public school system or the peace and quiet of a rural area.  When you start to look at how you can have BOTH, you begin to multi-track, i.e. look for ways to combine alternatives so you fall in love with the decision you wind up making.  Wavering between two alternatives is usually a sign that you don’t love either of the choices.  Keep searching and the best of both worlds eventually appears.

The most important thing you can remember about relocation is this: it’s NOT permanent.  You might think that you’re moving to a particular place and you’re going to have to stay there the REST OF YOUR LIFE.  Do a little research.  You’ll quickly learn that most people relocate across states and across the country MULTIPLE times in their lives.  You are never stuck, never held back, and while your zip code might be indicative of your lifestyle and your sense of self worth, it is not something that you must hold so fiercely to that you give up peace of mind, joy, and openness to change in order to have it.

Remember:

You can have BOTH… 

In my last post, I said I was taking a break… before it dawned on me that this Sunday is Mother’s Day and I have entirely TOO MUCH to say about women breadwinners and Mother’s Day.

So… how is it possible that Mother’s Day could hurt?

It’s a happy, joyous day honoring the women who gave ups life and the mothers we’ve become.  Until I experienced it in my own life, I never knew that Mother’s Day could hurt.  I had my first child right after Mother’s Day and, up until that point, my idea of a hurtful Mother’s Day was my baby not being born in enough time for me to celebrate my first Mother’s Day ever.  Oh what it is to be young and naïve…

Fast forward ten years and you have the first Mother’s Day I spent without my children.  It had been a previous year of drama, child custody battles, and shifts to the point where I spent a solid three years of Mother’s Days alone… without my children, two of whom were toddlers at the time.  Talk about pain… I learned something from those sad, weepy Mother’s Days.  I learned that for all women, Mother’s Day isn’t a happy occasion.  For many, Mother’s Day is a reminder that a mother has been lost, that a woman who meant everything is no longer on this planet to do anything.  It could be a reminder that a mother-daughter relationship cannot be saved or that the relationship that exists will never be what the mother OR daughter hoped it would.  It can also be a reminder that a mother is without her children, children who are no longer on the earth, no longer in her home, or no where to be found.

It’s so important as women breadwinners to remember that Mother’s Day, for many women, hurts.  There will be many who never say a word about their pain.  They’ll work through Sunday, cook through Sunday,  eat through Sunday, cry through Sunday, exercise through Sunday, breathe through Sunday but they’ll never speak about their pain on Sunday.  One of my favorite quotes says, “Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”  Before you say “Happy Mother’s Day” on Facebook, Twitter, or in person, give a moment of pause for all of the women for whom Mother’s Day is still as bitter as it is sweet.

Something spoke to me this morning… in my spirit… in my heart… and it said, “Where’s the adventure gone?”  So I’m taking a two to four week hiatus from She Runs the Show to figure that out.  I’m certain I will but, in the meantime, feel free to comment on previous posts.  I’ll be checking in and promise to be back in June with fresh material, new thoughts, and even greater techniques for running your show.

See you in a few weeks!

Ever have someone say that to you?

Not because they don’t know your name… Not because they aren’t clear on what you asked for… And certainly not because they have difficulty hearing… BUT because they think you have some nerve asking for what you’re asking for… Ever have that happen?

Join the club!  Although most people won’t say it using those exact words, there are lots of subtle ways that people will say to the woman breadwinner, “Where do you get off wanting that much, doing that much, being that much, asking for that much, pursuing that much?” and while you can quote “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me”, one fact remains true:

It stings. 

It stings because you’ve worked hard to get where you are.  It stings because you aren’t asking from a place of entitlement but a place of deserving.  It stings because somewhere deep down inside, maybe just maybe you have an inner critic who plays that not enough/you-don’t-deserve-it card and the last place you need to hear it again is from your boss, your mother, your sibling, or, God forbid, your spouse…

So what do you do when you stand up in the world, ask for what you need, and have the world respond to you with something that says…

Don’t be too big for your britches!

You do three things:

1. Remind yourself who you are.  I AM are two of the most powerful words in the English language.  When you find people telling you who you are NOT, you need to go in a closet or get in front of a mirror and start reminding yourself, OUT LOUD, who YOU REALLY are.  What I mean is:

• I AM powerful!
• I AM prosperous!
• I AM strong!
• I AM capable!
• I AM diligent!
• I AM loving and lovable!
• I AM wonderfully made!
• I AM destined for greatness!
• I AM wise beyond measure!
• I AM deserving of my highest good!
• I AM wealthy!
• I AM fit and strong!
• I AM healthy!
• I AM focused!
• I AM determined!
• I AM worthy!

1. Remember who this is REALLY about.  Hurting people hurt people.  When someone declares your unworthiness, they are really speaking about their own.  As Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements, “Don’t taken ANYONE personally…”  What they are saying to you is about them.  People deflect and transfer their emotions and feelings on others as a defense mechanism, a way of not having to cope with their own crap.  Do not take it personally.
2. Reframe what the meaning of the encounter is.  You may not get to choose what the other person said to you but you certainly get to choose what it means to you.  Ask yourself, “If this situation was meant to build me up (instead of beat me up), what meaning would I give it?  What lesson is here for me?  How can I take what he/she said and leverage it for my success?”  Barbara Corcoran tells a story about how what her ex-husband said to her as he was leaving her and splitting up their business catapulted her to strike out on her own and become a mega success.  She could’ve taken his words as the signal of her demise.  She didn’t do that.  She reframed and ran with it.  You can do the same.  Check out Barbara’s video on how an insult made her an entrepreneur HERE.

I’d love your commentary on this. 

Have you ever been in a situation where someone said (in some way, shape or form) “Who do you think you are?”?

How did you handle it?

If that were to happen again, how would you handle it differently?

Do you see a therapist?  I do!  There was a time when I wouldn’t have been comfortable sharing that.  However, after completing most of my MA in Marriage & Family Therapy and with my PhD in Clinical Psychology starting in the next 12 months AND as a woman breadwinners coach, I can tell you one thing for sure:

EVERYBODY BENEFITS FROM THERAPY… with a GREAT therapist

(had to throw that in there because, let’s be real, some therapists, like some coaches, suck)

Here’s the problem with therapy for most people:

They expect quick results with little effort and without full disclosure to the therapist who’s tasked with the tremendous job of helping them embrace and thrive through change and transition.

In other words, people want therapists to “fix” them, even though they aren’t willing to come to the table fully, completely and honestly.

Women breadwinners have even greater trouble with the therapy relationship because, for many women breadwinners, going to therapy is like admitting failure.  It’s saying, “I can’t handle this on my own.  I’m failing at this.  I wasn’t able to fix this without outside help.”  There are so many mixed emotions for women breadwinners who enter therapy and for women breadwinner couples who do therapy together (that’s a WHOLE other post).

However, therapy is a priceless gift of self-care, self-love, and transformation IF you are willing to do the work.  It’s also a great co-creator with coaching so that you can heal the past with your therapist and strategize the future with your coach.  If you can have both (and you can), HAVE BOTH.  Just sayin’.

But I digress…

If you’ve been to a therapist in the last three or four years and you bailed after the allotted therapy sessions, insisting that you’ll never go again because, in your words, “That therapist doesn’t get it!”, let me give you four reasons why your last therapist didn’t “get it”:

1) You weren’t selective when choosing a therapist.  Okay, so I have the benefit of a marriage and family therapy education and that education taught me ALOT about how different therapists work using different modalities of therapy.  Rather than simply choosing the first therapist you find that accepts your health insurance, find out KEY things about your potential therapist, including:

1. Their modality: Ask a potential therapist, “What theory or style of therapy do you use?  Emotionally Focused, Cognitive Behavior, Internal Family Systems, Solutions Focused?”
2. Their educational background: Is your potential therapist a licensed social worker, marriage and family therapist, licensed counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist?  Each has a VERY different approach to therapy and VERY different views on how and why change happens.  Be sure you’re choosing the therapist with the educational background that fits your world view and matches your needs.
3. Their availability: I’m all for flex hours and work-around scheduling but if the therapist you’re choosing is making YOU work around him/her and isn’t very flexible or available when you are available, it’s a WRONG fit.  Stop trying to fit into your therapist’s schedule and find another therapist who has openings when you’re available.  There are too many good therapists in the world to stretch and strain your calendar to fit into one therapist’s book of appointments.
4. Their personality: You’ve got to click with your therapist and you won’t know that until you do a few sessions… period.  You won’t know until you go.  So show up, see if you click after three sessions and, if not, say “Thanks” and find the right one.  Choosing a therapist is like choosing a partner: life’s too short to waste it on the wrong one.

2) You weren’t present and available for the journey.  Some people go to therapy expecting to be “fixed”, i.e. expecting this to a Burger King rendition of “I pay you money, you give me a solution, I stick it in my life and it works without me having to actively work it.”  Therapy AND coaching DO NOT WORK THIS WAY.  If you aren’t willing to bring ALL of yourself to the table, bring NONE of yourself to the table.  That doesn’t mean you don’t go to therapy if your spouse refuses.  You can do therapy on your own and experience great benefits, benefits that will, in turn, affect your entire family system, whether they go to therapy or not.  Just be sure that if you decide to go to therapy, you’re all in and not sitting on the fence.

3) You didn’t put everything on the table.  The walls of a therapy room are sacred.  Like Vegas, what happens in therapy stays in therapy (unless someone’s life is in danger or they are a danger to themselves).  You have to be completely honest and forthright with your therapist.  If you don’t tell the truth or you only tell half of the story, how do you expect your therapist to fully help you?  It’s like trying to solve a puzzle and missing 40% of the pieces.  It won’t work.  Come to the table truthful and honest.  You may feel shame.  You may feel guilt but therapy is exactly the place to bring those feelings.  A great therapist will help you work it out.

1. You’d rather be right than happy.  Point blank (and women breadwinners are  NOTORIOUS for this): you came to therapy because you wanted your therapist to tell your husband that he is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG and you are RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT and he needs fixing but you’re perfect.  Don’t waste your time or money if that’s the case.  Marriages that work focus on collaboration, appreciation, and a commitment to making things work, even if you are the one who has to do the repair attempts ALOT, even when you are the person who has to learn how to love what is instead of demanding what isn’t.  This is not about perfection.  This is about developing a deep friendship that sustains itself through the storms and battles of life.  If what you want is to be right, then don’t waste your time in therapy.  Great therapists are not there to validate your ego; they are there to help you rediscover your sense of fulfillment and all fulfillment requires collaboration and, yes, compromise.

Talk to me.  Have you been to therapy?  If so, what was your experience like?

What did you learn?

What did you not like?

What would you do differently if you went back to therapy?

I’m always interested in reading your comments!