1) Why did I stay away from consistent weight training for so long (it’s been 2 years since I last strength trained consistently for at least 6 months)?
2) What’s keeping me from doing those things that I KNOW will take my life and my power to the next level?
And then my inner critic chimed in: “You’re just not disciplined enough… You say you want it but you don’t do it… You drop the ball on this one area of your life because you don’t see the value of it EVEN THOUGH you know where it “should” go on the priority list.” My inner critic had a field day this morning… and as I moved through some morning errands, thinking about the two or three areas in my life that I REALLY want to see change but haven’t been taking consistent, persistent steps, I came to an epiphany I hadn’t come to before: I am afraid to be MORE powerful.
See, it’s not power that frightens me because I love power. I love being able to say what I need to say and do what I need to do and I’m not afraid to ask for what I want I want and guess what? Even when people say no, I make sure I get it. So claiming and using power is not the issue. But when it’s time to go from being an supporting character to the star, there’s anxiety around that shift, even when the movie is the story of your own life.
So I’m sitting with this new understanding of myself: I am afraid to be MORE powerful. I am afraid to be on top of my game 24/7, letting everyone know it, showing it, walking it, talking it, vibrating at a high level consistently and persistently. I’m afraid to go for broke in certain areas of my life, especially the areas where I’ve failed before. I am afraid to declare it and share it. I’m afraid to want certain things because a part of me wonders if those things are REALLY for me and, even if they are, will they REALLY bring me joy? I’m afraid to give ALL I have to ALL I’m doing in those two to three areas of my life that aren’t working because, on some level, I fear that I can’t do it all, that I won’t be able to keep the high performance in the areas I’ve focused on as I spread my focus and drive to the areas I haven’t been focusing on. At the end of the day, it all comes down to this:
I am afraid that I AM NOT ENOUGH… AND I’m afraid that even if I am, THAT won’t be ENOUGH to fulfill me.
How’s that for a double-edged sword?
So now that I get why I’m afraid to be more powerful, what do I do to work through it?
Since this is a new epiphany and I don’t have the history of months or years to show you results, I can give you the path that I’m embarking upon. Join me if you choose. Stepping into MORE power, for me, requires doing some key things in the areas of my life that I’m not happy with:
- Name my fear (I just did that in this post).
- Embrace my fear (I just explored that in this post and as I walked through the grocery store this morning).
- Make a commitment (Even though I feel like NOT enough, I’m going to commit to taking daily action in those 2-3 areas that bug me and NOT give up when I falter, fail, or have a setback).
- Stop looking back (the woulda/shoulda/couldas got to go!). Instead of focusing on all of the things that I should’ve done, I’m going to continually refocus my attention on the one thing I CAN do RIGHT NOW.
- Expect imperfection. That perfection monster gets me EVERY time. Instead of expecting to do EVERYTHING right, I’m going to institute what John Maxwell calls a failure quota. I’m going to plan to fail forward at least 5 times a day for EACH of the 2-3 areas I’m working on. At the end of each day, I’ll do a mental inventory of how I failed forward and what I learned from that.
- Forgive myself for anything and love myself for everything. In other words, I am ready to let go of who I used to be, to stop driving my daily agenda by who I think I’m supposed to be, and to finally start loving who I am right now knowing that every experience led me here and every thought in the present will take me there and I’m guided divinely and completely every step of the way. It’s the ultimate form of surrender to be able to treat myself in a way that honors the truth: I don’t have to suffer to grow.
- Expect great things to happen daily and when crappy things happen, chock it up to information, insight, or a lesson… and let it go in the moment it happens.
It won’t be easy but it will be worth it…