7 Things I’m Struggling With Right Now (Read Time: 2 min.)

7 thingsAt every stage of business, you’ll have different issues that you’re struggling with.  Whether it’s finding time to complete an ebook or hiring your first virtual assistant, there’s going to be something that you’re struggling with.  In today’s episode of She Runs The Show, I share 7 things I’m struggling with right now.

–>Click HERE to listen<–

I’d love to continue the conversation here on the blog.

What are you struggling with right now?

How do you work through those issues?

Let’s talk!

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How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Entrepreneurs (Read Time: 3 min.)

Insta 6In life and business, it’s so easy to get caught up in the comparison trap.

For example, I’m a coach, an author, and a Fear-To-Fuel expert.  If I spent my time looking at the thousands of certified coaches, Kindle book authors, and experts teaching online courses on how to overcome fear, I’d certainly call it quits and stop running my business.  What a way to extinguish a dream!

And, yet, far too many of us do exactly that.  Instead of using our social media time to connect and collaborate, we focus on what other people in our field are doing… and then the inner critic rages at us about how we can’t possibly get to that level with “those” super stars.

It’s time to get over that!

In this episode of the She Runs The Show podcast, I talk about:

  1. The REAL reason the comparison switch gets flipped in your life
  2. Why no 2 businesses or brands are the same in ANY way
  3. What writers understand about authentic expression that you absolutely need to get
  4. How to get out of the comparison trap
  5. 3 steps to using your IQ (Individual Qualities) to create massive growth in your business

–>Click HERE to listen<–

When was the last time you held someone else’s dream in your heart? (Read Time: 2 min.)

SRTS 3Connection… It’s a word we entrepreneurs read, hear and see EVERYWHERE…

People talk about it, teach on it and debate through it.

But here’s the deal: connection is what human beings crave.  Of course it’s at the heart of business.  Just as a newborn needs to be touched to remain alive, so people need to be seen, heard, and known in ways that are quickly becoming extinct.

So often, when you’re starting a business, you’re laser focused on what you need to do to get the business off the ground:

Who’s my target market?

What’s my core message?

How often am I posting?

What am I offering?

When’s my product launch?

It’s so easy to get into the self-centered place of ME, ME, ME…

But that’s not where a successful business comes from.

A successful business comes from a clear and complete focus on helping others achieve their goals and dreams, a thing you can only do if you actually understand what those goals and dreams are.

So… I have a challenge for you this week…

I want you to change the lens of your focus.  Instead of focusing on what you have to be, do, or say, I want you to ask and act on one important question:

When was the last time I held someone else’s dream in my heart?

I want you to find out the dreams of 20 people you don’t know this week (use Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, wherever) and I want you to find out how you can help each of those 20 people achieve their dreams.  Whatever is in your power to do, I want you to do it.

Okay now… let’s get started!

Ever have a moment where you forgot who you ARE? (Read Time: 4 min.)

Kass Pic 1I haven’t posted in the last few weeks.  Every time I looked at my blog editorial calendar, I thought to myself, “I have nothing to say.”  Women breadwinners, female breadwinners, sole breadwinners, women breadwinners and money, love, marriage, kids… so many topics and I had absolutely nothing to say.  Nada… Nothing… Not a thing…

Until today.  I can’t explain what changed or what happened but it took me the last month to return to myself… and I didn’t even realize that I’d been missing.

Ever have a moment where you forgot who you are?

Not your name, date of birth, occupation, or the basic everyday labels of life but the essence of who you are, the spirit that’s within you, the inner fires that still burn bright… Ever forget that they’re there?  I did… and it took me some time to figure out A- what was missing and B- how to return it to its rightful place.

So, here are 5 things I’ve RE-discovered (and I hope it helps you rediscover something in yourself as well):

1) I have an awesome capacity to make s*it happen and happen brilliantly, completely, and with absolute excellence.  Not only had I forgotten that fact about myself but, looking back, I realize that I’ve been dimming the light on that part of my brilliance (in part, to make others feel okay being around me) for a WHILE.   So I’m going to stop that effective IMMEDIATELY.  I’m brilliant and anybody who doesn’t like that fact can take it where? BACK THERE…  #nuffsaid

2) I need more adventure in my life.  Somewhere along the pursuit of stability, predictability, and a sense of security, I forgot that I’m an adventurer at heart.  I like to take risks.  I like to have fun.  I NEED adventure.  Whether that’s going on an actual safari or treating a Target shopping trip like it is one, I need the chase.  So I’m adding more of that to my life.

3) I have no time for people, situations or things that have more interest in whining than growing.  There’s a time to vent and throw pity parties.  I do it.  Everybody does and I am quickly learning to separate those people who share frustration from those who live as victims and, effective immediately, all those who enjoy victimhood will not find time in my inner circle.  Being picky about who you hang out with is critical to success and, somehow, I was getting less picky in the last five years and hadn’t even realized it.  So now I’m doing an inner circle inventory and if a person’s not rowing in the boat with me, if they’re drilling holes as I row the boat, they are getting a one hour notice: bye bye!

4) I can accomplish more faster than I was giving myself credit for.  This is linked to epiphany #1 but it’s different.  I have spent the last five years going through some major ups and downs and, all the while, I spent a lot of the time babying myself, cushioning my back for a fall.  That’s a great skill for a therapist but it’s not a great attribute for a person looking to succeed in a life that will ALWAYS have ups and downs.  I challenged myself this week to do 2.5 hours of exercise a day knowing that I’ve been sedentary for the last three years.  I told myself, “My body can do this.  I’ve done this before.  No easing into it… Just get it done and your body will back you on it.”  And my body has.  For most of this week, I’ve woken up, gotten straight into my gym clothes and worked out for 2.5 hours STRAIGHT.  And I feel amazing!  Oftentimes, we baby ourselves into a state of mediocrity.  And this isn’t about tough love; it’s about living up to your capacity of strength, agility, and performance.  If you’re not doing that, you’re not growing.

5) Smelling good, dressing impeccably, and sporting high heels are critical factors to my self-esteem.  Having spent the past few years in sweats and sneakers, I can tell you that I am ready for an extreme Kassandra makeover.  I forgot what it felt like to strut out daily in 3 inch heels and a sweaterdress smelling like Chanel No. 5 and feeling absolutely impeccable.  I’m working a plan to bring that back so between the gym, Victoria’s Secret, Bath & Body Works, Chanel, Gilt.com, and a really great hairdresser, I’m bringing my sexy back!

These five discoveries were HUGE for me… game changers… and it’s brought back a level of creativity, focus and joy that had been missing for some time.

Is it hard work?  Yes.  Anything worth having is…

Am I in the “arrival stage of it”?  No.  Life is evolution.  I’m never going to “arrive.”  I’m simply choosing to re-introduce me to ME, get back to HER, and enjoy life for what it is… Hope you’re doing the same!

Women Breadwinners & Sex: Is the stay-at-home-husband sexy? (Read Time: 6 min.)

coule 6This is a controversial post (HINT: If you’re wanting a politically correct post that says all the right things and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, this would not be the one- stop reading now).

My husband recently got a new job that pays SIGNIFICANTLY MORE than he was making in his prior position… and I noticed that, as a result, lots of things changed.  My stress level went down, my smile factor went up, and so did my sex drive… and then I watched a show yesterday where a woman breadwinner made the comment: “Stay-at-home dads are SUPER sexy.”  So last night, after watching my latest episode of Cashmere Mafia on Netflix (only 8 episodes but all about women breadwinners… stay tuned on what I’m going to do with that in a few months), I was up pondering:

Is the stay-at-home-husband sexy?

Not just the stay-at-home-dad.  Kids can make staying at home key but there are stay-at-home husbands who have breadwinning wives and no children (unemployed, underemployed, pursuing an art or a dream that has him home alot, etc., etc.)

Is that man just as sexy as the corporate husband who wears a suit, is out the door at 6 am, home at 6 pm from a hard day’s work and is making good money?

Hmm….

Well, let me give you the answers I came up with (3 of them to be exact):

1) It depends

2) Not to me

3) If you like it, I love it

Let me break down each one:

ANSWER 1: It depends.  

I’m really tired of people talking about women breadwinners and the men they marry in politically correct terms, focusing only on the good and how wonderful things CAN be.  CAN is a word based on potential, not necessarily actual and here’s the truth:

A stay-at-home-husband will be sexy to the wife who’s agreed to that relationship contract.  

In other words, if a woman breadwinner marries a man assuming he’ll work or expecting that he’ll contribute financially and he ends up not doing that, sexiness goes out the window (regardless of how many great meals he cooks or diapers he changes or household projects he does).  It’s all about the UNSPOKEN relationship agreement both people assumed they were signing up for.  When a woman breadwinner marries a man, she has certain expectations (as does he) and if those expectations drastically shift over time and nobody ever talks about it, openly changes the rules, and clearly accepts the “new normal”, there are going to be problems.  Why?  Because if your idea of a partner isn’t one who stays at home, makes gourmet meals, and brings in no actual cash, you’re going to stop feeling the magic.  Is it fair?  Life’s not fair.  Is it right? All depends on who you’re asking.  But if we continue to ignore the fact that a lot of women marry men EXPECTING them to be financial providers, wind up with something different, start resenting it, and NEVER talk about the change or openly accept the change, we’re missing out on a key opportunity TO CHANGE the relationship dynamic.

ANSWER 2:  Not to me.  

On a personal note, I am completely uninterested in being with a man who doesn’t have a career of some sort and doesn’t bring in any income and I make no apologies for making it known.

Why is it that men can have lists of criteria they have for women they’d even CONSIDER marrying and we call it “standards”

and women have a similar list and society calls it being “picky”?

I don’t think so.  When I have my next baby, I’m going to be at home for a while.  My choice.  Do I want my husband staying at home with our new baby? I don’t think so.  The relationship contract I signed up for does not include a stay-at-home-husband and it seems that we’re living in a society where women breadwinners are made to feel like gold digging, stuck up princesses if they openly say, “I have to have a man who works.”  In Liza Mundy’s book “The Richer Sex”, she asks the question, “How can a man be sexy when he’s in an inferior position?” and then she goes on to ask “Marry up? Marry down? Don’t marry?”  Liza goes on to say that women breadwinners have two options: Marry down or don’t marry.  What? REALLY??????? Would we give those same options to men?  Exactly!

I don’t agree with those options but here’s what I am saying about my personal preference: I chose a man who gets me, is on my level, and compliments me (i.e. brings strengths to the table that I don’t possess).  Part of that agreement also means that he has his own career, his own professional aspirations and he earns money.  Does he have to make more than me at some point? No.  I love being a woman breadwinner.  I don’t need a man who brings in six or seven figures and is always on the road or in surgery or doing a business deal.  That was a conscious choice I made to NOT have that.  But do I want a man who sits at home all day and watches the kids or plays video games or is a gourmet chef and has all of my meals prepared for me as I walk in the door? No way.  While that may have its perks, in the bedroom, for me, that’s  a TOTAL turnoff.  And having worked with enough women breadwinners, I can tell you that I’m not the only one.

ANSWER 3: If you like it, I love it.

The bottom line of this post is to get to a place where we can accept that women breadwinners will differ about what they seek and what they will accept in a mate.  Some love having a stay-at-home-dad for their kids and they see his job as being the hardest job in the world and the sex is hot and heavy because of the gratitude and respect they feel for him making that decision.  Wonderful!  Some women breadwinners want a man who has ambition, drive, and focus in areas OUTSIDE of household and family management and they love a husband who has a professional calling, follows it and brings home money because of it (whether the money is a lot or a little) and that’s awesome.  But to condemn one choice over the other or to say that we all have to love having husbands who are at home or husbands who work is a cookie cutter approach that doesn’t jive in real life.  Not only that but it invalidates the feeling of women breadwinners who may find themselves in marriages where their spouses are at home (and they didn’t co-sign on it) or their husbands are working (and that wasn’t the terms they agreed to when they had 5 children) and they feel angry, resentful, and frustrated.  We cannot deny the feelings of these women breadwinners who may be looking at their lives saying “This is not what I signed up for!”

We need to acknowledge that one of the struggles in being a woman breadwinner is that the gender roles are new,

they’re being recreated as we speak, and they don’t always feel comfortable (for the men or the women).

 We need to accept that not all women breadwinners are going to want stay-at-home husbands and not all stay-at-home-husbands are going to feel like men by taking on those roles.  It is not our job to make these individuals feel comfortable in a relationship dynamic that they don’t want.  It’s our job, as a society, to validate their feelings, listen to their concerns, and help them communicate and move towards creating a relationship dynamic that aligns with BOTH of their values.

But, if we never talk about the dissatisfaction some women breadwinners feel, the unhappiness some stay-at-home-husbands feel, and the impact these uncertainties and unspoken issues are having on the marriage, we’ll continue to speak favorably of women breadwinner marriages and we’ll continue to cheer on women in the workplace and we’ll continue to see increasing divorce rates among these types of marriages.

Let’s keep it real.

Is the stay-at-home-husband sexy?

Woman breadwinner, you get to decide but don’t co-sign on an option you secretly feel isn’t it. 

Say what you mean, mean what you say, and work out whatever is bugging you.

There’s nothing worse than pretending to be in love with life when you aren’t.

#keepitreal

21 Things You NEED to Do to Get What You Want in Life (7 min.) (Read Time: 5 min.)

searchingDo you have what you want in life?

Do you bitch about not having it?

Are you so focused on what went wrong in the past that you aren’t able to effectively use the present to create the future?

Let me help you out here:

Stop wishing for a better past.  I’ve tried it.  It doesn’t work.

Stop living in the land of woulda/shoulda/coulda.  You did the best you could, it was enough, and you can do better now.

Stop arguing for your limitations.  If I had a dime for every person who speaks a heck of a lot more about their liabilities than they do they’re assets, I’d be a billionaire.  Stop that!

So, now that we’ve got the ground rules down, where do we go from here?

UP!

Lots of people talk about the “secrets” to getting what you want in life.  Let me debunk it for you:

THERE IS NO SECRET.

There are 21 things you NEED to do to get what you want out of life and guess what?

Most people can’t hang with it (consistently, persistently) past #5 so if you can get past #5, you’re the cream of the crop.

Try these 21 steps for the next 30 days (in no particular order; work it, repeat it, change it as needed) and see what unfolds.  As Benjamin Franklin once said, “Energy and persistence conquer all things.” AMEN!

1. KNOW- Know what you want.  Let me help you out with this: if what you want changes every other day, you don’t know what you want.  Know your desired outcome and STICK with it. #nowifflewaffle

2. DECIDE- When you know what you want, you have to decide what actions you’re going to take to have that.  Take massive action by deciding what steps you’re going to take TODAY to get there. #decisionscreatedestiny

3. DO- I love planners who perpetually plan but never execute.  That won’t get you where you want to go.  Once you KNOW and DECIDE, it’s time to DO.  Today.  Take action.  Get it done.  Don’t let time, money, or other people limit you.  Stop looking for immediate reward or gratification.  You are planting seeds here.  Put on your farmer’s hat and focus on dropping seeds in the ground and nurturing the soil.  It’ll take root and bloom on its own time.  If you don’t go into a restaurant, order a meal and then insist upon going to the back to watch the chef cook the meal, why are you micromanaging your dreams and expecting a return before it’s harvest time?  Stop that.  Do your best.  Give your best.  The rewards will come with consistent action and consistent focus, all up to you! #justdoit

4. KEEP DOING- I love people who do the “Okay, I went to the gym once.  Where’s my 50 pound weight loss?”  Really?  Well, having a gym membership only correlates to weight loss if you actually go there repeatedly over time.  The same thing applies to whatever you want in life.  You have to keep taking action, ESPECIALLY when you’re not in the mood and seriously when you’ve lost the “want” to do it.  Remember: Do what you HAVE to do now so you can do what you WANT to do later. #beyourbest247

5. CHANGE AS NEEDED– Your end goal needs to be clear but how you get to that end goal is always up for reconsideration.  Plans will change.  Strategies will change.  As Tony Robbins says, “Stay committed to your decisions but stay flexible in your approach.”  Roll with life’s punches.  Stay clear on what you want but remember that there AT LEAST 1,000 ways to get there.  Do not limit yourself to ten.  Don’t complain about things not working until you’ve tried 999 DIFFERENT ways to approach it.  Until you’ve hit 999, you haven’t earned the right to complain. #thatisall

6. FOLLOW THROUGH- Keep your promises.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep.  Treat your time as sacred and honor the commitments that are most critical to creating the life you want.  Follow up with resources, relationships, and people who can help you get there.  Follow up and follow through are the name of the game.  Do not get bogged down by rejection.  It’s temporary unless you make it permanent.  When a door closes, be quick to look for another door or window.  Go the distance by staying the course. #followthrough

7. KEEP YOUR FAITH- When you feel like giving up most is usually when you’re closest to the next breakthrough.  No matter how tired you are of waiting for life to be the way you want it to be, adopt (from the very beginning) an “I don’t believe in defeat” attitude.  As Norman Vincent Peale has said, “The rough is only mental.  I think victory- I get victory.” #period

8. ENJOY THE RIDE- Waiting to arrive really sucks because you never really do.  If it isn’t one thing, it’s another so why waste time waiting for this or that to happen?  Life is a rollercoaster.  Put your seatbelt on, put your hands in the air and keep a barf bag close.  That’s it.  Enjoy wherever you are.  It makes the time go faster.  As is said in A Course in Miracles, “Infinite patience produces immediate results.”  Yeah, chew on that one for a day or two. #twistedbuttrue

9. LET DRAMA AND NON-SENSE GO- That includes drama prone people, places and things.  If you’re focused on creating the life you want, you have no time for emotional vampires.  Anyone who is sucking your energy dry needs to be kicked to the curb.  Stop calling, texting, and emailing.  Stop responding out of guilt that they have no one else.  Let me help you out here: emotional vampires  ALWAYS find their next victim.  Simply decide that you are not it.  In other words, you have no time to waste your energy on people who have no intention of making their lives better.  When you hear a misery prone, constant complainer/whiner who always seems to be in one drama situation or the next, take my advice: #dropemlikeitshot! #justsayin

10. REMIND YOURSELF WHY YOU WANT IT- Every now and again, you’re going to say to yourself, “Do I REALLY want this?  Why can’t I just settle for a “normal” life like everybody else?  Why can’t I just be happy with what I’ve got?”  Let me help you out here: A) You aren’t everybody else nor do you want to be, B) If you were meant to follow the herd, you’d be a sheep (sheep is plural but I can’t tell you the singular version of the word), and C) God would never put a desire in you that He didn’t also provide the internal resources for you to fulfill so you’re not wanting what you can’t have or what you are incapable of creating; you’re wanting what you were born to desire.  You need to remind yourself on a regular basis WHY you want to create this kind of a life.  You need to keep the WHY ever in front of you so when the going gets tough, your momentum doesn’t get going.  The “what” of your journey will not be enough to motivate you.  Only the  WHY will. #keepyourwhywhenthingsgettough

11. TAKE TIME EVERY DAY TO FOCUS ON WHAT IT WILL FEEL LIKE TO HAVE IT- Feelings create faith because when you feel that something is possible within you, you feel a surge of energy to take the actions necessary to get there.  Make time to close your eyes, visualize the outcome, and bask in it.  Those feelings will drive your to-do list for that day in a way your logical mind can’t.  Feel the achievement of the dream and the dream comes that much faster. #feelitintoexistence

12. EVALUATE WEEKLY HOW  MUCH CLOSER YOU’RE GETTING TO IT- Why do people hate stats, KPIs, and number crunching?  Numbers are your friends, especially when you run the show.  If you tell me you want to lose weight, then I want to know how many days you’re going to work out, for how long, doing what and how many calories you’ll consume each day in addition to that.  With those numbers and body measurements every four weeks, we could evaluate your results (based on your actions) and quickly decide if the strategy’s working or if it needs to change.  When people tell me, “I don’t really want to commit to a certain number of hours per week, calories per day, or words written per day”, I know they’re not ready.  Why?  Because if you can’t commit to daily actions, you aren’t ready to actually get there.  #dontletfearkeepyoufrommeasuringvictory

13. DON’T STOP UNTIL YOU HAVE IT- That means, until you get EXACTLY what you want, keep giving ALL you have to ALL  you do.  Don’t let up.  The closer a person gets to his/her dream, the more that person seems to let down their guard, lesson their efforts.  Don’t do that.  Give 100% because that’s how you do it.  Don’t see results coming and think, “Hey, I can take a little rest here.”  No.  Focus and give your max because giving your best is what you were born to do, regardless of the outcome.  The other thing I see people do is settle for “good enough.”  Tell me any child who incessantly asks for a puppy, receives a rock, and is thrilled to have that.  Life will pay you any price you ask.  Don’t be the person who accepts pennies instead of hundred dollar bills.  Don’t stop until you get EXACTLY what you want. #nomincingwordshere

14. WHEN SIGNS TELL YOU THIS AIN’T IT, LISTEN THE FIRST TIME- How many times do we go for something that really isn’t for us, get signs that it really isn’t for us and we rebelliously keep pushing?  There’s a difference between persisting on a road that’s meant for you and bullishly staying on a detour that wasn’t yours to take.  Your intuition and life experiences will give you clues as to which journey you’re on.  Listen the first time.  You do not have to spend forty years in the wilderness if you listen to your inner knowing the first ten times it tells you “This ain’t it!”  #listenthefirsttime

15. FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE IT ALREADY- Point 11 begins this but let me finish it here: if you live like you’re missing something and you’re constantly in pursuit of getting “THE” thing, you’re living in a “waiting to exhale” way of life.  Don’t do that.  Nothing is missing from today.  Nothing.  When you finally get that and decide to be happy today, it’ll put you in a mode to be more productive, super efficient, and happier in the meantime.  By the way, most of our lives are spent in the “meantime.”  Why not enjoy the now?  #lovetoday

16. LIVE LIKE YOU’RE NOT WAITING TO “ARRIVE”- Re-read Point 15… TEN  times… #readuntilitclicks

17. CELEBRATE NOW- Gratitude brings more things to be grateful about.  No matter how bad your day, find ONE THING to be grateful about and live in that space on that one thing until the rest of the day turns around or until tomorrow comes. Whining, complaining and throwing a pity party will happen but you need to set limitations on that.  Misery loves company and you don’t want to attract people to you who bitch about everything that isn’t working.  Remember: what you focus on grows. #celebrateallthatis

18. TRUST THE PROCESS OF LIFE- Life is either on your side or its not and you get to decide which world you live.  Be really conscious about deciding (daily) what world you live in.  Either life is a daring, bold adventure that you got to go on or it’s this hideous, unfair, ever menacing experience that happens to you every time you turn around. #choosetheadventure

19. BECOME SO GOOD THAT THEY CAN’T IGNORE YOU- Don’t keep your talents, gifts and abilities a secret.  Stop dumbing yourself down to make other people feel better.  No amount of slaughtering to your self esteem will ever make another person feel big who doesn’t.  Decide that your talent makes room for you and show it off every chance you get.  Proclaim your talent.  That’s not selfish; it’s called being honest. #yesyou’rethatgood

20. REMIND YOURSELF THAT PERSISTENCE IS THE ONE FACTOR THAT DETERMINES SUCCESS… AND DECIDE THAT YOU’VE GOT IT IN SPADES- Re-read Point #6… TEN TIMES… talent, genius, money, good looks, and tons of friends will get you no where if you aren’t resilient enough to persist NO MATTER WHAT.  The only thing that distinguishes the victim from the victor is that the victor decided to be the last one standing. #bethelastonestanding

21. NEVER GIVE UP- The life you want may seem TOTALLY unreasonable.  Good!  Tony Robbins put it this way, “Unreasonable people rule the world.”  Resist the temptation to give up on your dreams and settle for a “normal” life.  You aren’t normal.  Life gives you what you settle for.  In fact, remove settle from your mental dictionary and replace it with UNREASONABLE.  You don’t have to bargain with life and you don’t ever have to beg Godfor what He so freely is willing to give you.  You get what you believe you deserve.  #believeyoudeservegreatthings

Those are the 21 steps.

I bet you knew each and every one of them.

How many of the above do you implement on a REGULAR, CONSISTENT basis?

Yeah, get ‘er done!

I don’t like to commit to my calendar… but here’s why I do (Read Time: 3 min.)

woman 39Over and over, I’ve heard it said, “If it’s not scheduled, it’s not real.”  

I’ve fought the idea of putting my life on a schedule.  I’ve said:

How can you schedule when a child’s going to get sick and they have to stay home from school?
How can you schedule an accident on the highway and intense traffic?

How can you schedule going grocery shopping, forgetting an item, and having to go back?

Aren’t most schedules for show anyway?

Yes, I’ve given every objection to planning my day and living my life by my Google calendar and my android digital personal assistant but here’s what I’ve found:

Until you schedule it, it’s not a priority.

Wanting to work out everyday is a nice wish but until you have a set time that it occurs in your week (hence, why people love going to classes where times are scheduled and locked in), it won’t happen.

I’m a commitment phobe when it comes to my calendar.  It takes me 20 minutes too long to plan out my day because I look at my list of to-dos and look at my calendar and my constant gripe is:

There’s not enough time in my day to do EVERYTHING I want to do!

After about five minutes of pity partying, my Higher Self kicks in and lovingly reminds me:

At the end of the day, there will NEVER be enough time…

It’s not about having enough time.  It’s about doing ALL  you can with ALL you have, accepting that life is a work in progress, and being okay with the fact that it’ll never ALL be done.

We’ll never ALL be done.

“Waiting” to arrive is a total and complete waste of energy. 

The journey is THE thing.  The destination changes A LOT.

If you want to get more accomplished in your day, week, month and year, here are three tips that help me:

  1. Schedule your most important tasks DAILY.  Okay, take one day off during the weekend so you don’t feel like a total auto-bot (Side note: Transformers!  More than meets the eye:).
  2. Change your schedule as soon as “life happens.”  Yup, when a child gets sick or I have to run an errand I wasn’t expecting to run, I go back to my Google calendar and change my time frames.  It keeps me honest and it keeps my calendar consistent with my life.
  3. Spend 5 minutes each night evaluating how you spent your time.  Before I sit down with my husband and watch another episode of Life Unexpected on Net Flix, I sit down and ask myself a few questions: What worked about today?  What didn’t work about today?  What do I need to change in how approach tomorrow?   This idea came to me from Peter Bregman’s book, 18 Minutes.

Well, there you have it.  I’m not in love with the idea of scheduling my life but it works.

Sometimes, you do what you HAVE to do now so you can do what you WANT to do later.

It’s called, “Never give up what you want most for what you want now.” 

#usetodaywisely 

Women Breadwinners & the Perpetual Argument: What is the fighting REALLY about? (Read Time: 6 min.)

couple 869% of all marital conflicts are PERPETUAL

In other words, there is no solution to them and engaging in conflict over them is a complete AND total waste of time.

Given this fact, it’s important to distinguish between marital conflict that’s solvable and conflict that’s perpetual.  If it’s solvable, it’s worth working through.  If it’s perpetual, it’s simply a waste of time, energy, and focus.

There’s only one problem with this:

Most couples fight for the WRONG reasons.

Here are some examples:

  1. Fighting to win
  2. Fighting to be right
  3. Fighting to get attention
  4. Fighting to avoid discussing and solving REAL issues
  5. Fighting to annoy, upset, or deter the other person
  6. Fighting to blame the other person
  7. Fighting to feel comfortable (yes, some folks feel most comfy when life is filled with drama)
  8. Fighting to fill the void and emptiness of being in a marriage that isn’t (and probably was never) right in the first place

Yes, there are tons of WRONG reasons why couples fight.  But the problem in women breadwinner marriages doesn’t come down to whether a husband and wife argue; it comes down to the way they go about viewing, understanding, and working through the conflict.

Psychologist Dan Wile said it beautifully in a book called “After the Honeymoon”: “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.”

Did you read the 50 years part?

Yes… In other words, EVERYBODY comes with baggage.  It’s up to you to choose baggage you know you can live with (and love) for the next 50 years.

The trouble in women breadwinner relationships is this:

Not all women signed up to be breadwinners, not all women breadwinners want to be breadwinners,

and not all beta husbands of women breadwinners want to be stay-at-home husbands or dads.

When you’re in a role you didn’t actively choose or one you never thought you’d be in, conflict is bound to creep up.

So… what is the fighting REALLY about?

When looked at productively, the fighting is about growth: discovering it, resisting it, managing it and thriving through it.

In a book called Enchanted Love, Marianne Williamson says the following:

“Growth is a detox process, as our weakest, darkest places are sucked up to the surface in order to be released.  Often, upon seeing the weaknesses in each other, we have the tendency to go “Yuck!” and walk away on some level.  But often it is not a change in partners but rather a change in perception that delivers us to the love we seek.  When we shift our view of the purpose of intimacy-from serving our own needs as we define them to serving a larger process of healing- then an entirely new opportunity presents itself.  Our wounds have been brought forward, not to block the experience of love, but to serve it.” 

In this way, when marital conflict takes up residence in a woman breadwinner marriage, it’s not there to say “This marriage won’t work.”  Conflict is there to proclaim, “There’s a lot of healing here to do.”

And we resist healing.  We resist healing in ourselves the parts that grew up feeling unloved, unappreciated, never good enough, always having to be better, striving for more, constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  The inner child in us who’s afraid to be vulnerable would rather spend a lifetime in a marriage picking a fight than settling into bliss.  When we come to the understanding that there are parts of us running the show of our marriages and that those parts aren’t always the most beneficial parts for the marriage, we can get real with the fact that the problems of the relationship aren’t all his fault or her fault… it’s an opportunity for both people to grow… TOGETHER.

So how do you take a fight and turn it into a healing process?

Here are four ways to begin: 

  1. Distinguish between solvable problems and perpetual problems.  Agree to disagree on the perpetual; tackle the solvable problems with whole mind in present action.
  2. Begin with softness, sweetness, and ONE memory from the honeymoon phase of your relationship that still makes you smile.  Tell each other what you appreciate, love, and what you remember about each other.  Begin with a fond memory and it creates a soft place to land, even if the rest of the conversation takes a heavy turn.
  3. Self sooth when you need to.  The moment you feel your heart racing, your head pounding, your jaw tighten, and your fists clenched, know that you are doing what we call “flooding” and when you’re flooding, you’re not hearing one word your spouse has to say.  Agree in advance to take a 20 minute time out when flooding happens to one or both of you.  When flooding occurs, call a time out and retreat so you can self-soothe, regain your composure, and come back to the discussion with love.  Remember: this is your discussion.  You can take a break if you need one.  Resist the temptation to fight to be the person who has the last word.
  4. Soothe each other.  You’ve met your partner.  You know what pisses him off, turns him on, and makes him feel valued.  Once you’ve soothed yourself, soothe him and vice versa.  It will show fondness, appreciation and care.  That alone goes a long way in a conflict.

At the end of the day, every fight is about something deeper than the superficial issues presented.  We don’t argue to hear ourselves talk (most of us).  We don’t fight to win.  We create discord because there’s something deep within us that wants to be heard and healed and we haven’t learned any other way to do it but argue.  No matter what brings you to the conflict table, you can find a stronger, more loving way out of it by recognizing a marital conflict for what it is:

An opportunity to heal  

5 Things the Pew Research Report on Women Breadwinners Isn’t Telling You (Read Time: 7 min.)

pew reportOn May 29th, the Pew Research Report on Breadwinner Moms came out and it caused a firestorm of controversy.  The mere fact that the percentage of households with breadwinning moms went from 11% in 1960 to 40% in 2011 was enough to make the world take notice.  Every media outlet was declaring the rise and dominance of the alpha female.  But, having read that report in its entirety, there are a number of things the report did not cover.  It didn’t discuss the quality of life lived by families where the wife is the breadwinner (socioeconomic status, quality of life, marital and familial satisfaction).  It didn’t dive deeper into what support and resource measures are required to help young, single, never married mothers do a better job of providing for their children.  It didn’t look further into the disparity between the percentage of people under 30 who felt that women breadwinning in a marriage or family was no issue versus the increased number of people in their 30s and 40s who felt that it was (hint: maybe it’s because most under 30 aren’t married with kids yet and most in their 30s and 40s are… #justsayin).  And the Pew Report provided no concluding thoughts on where the discussion needs to go next, how to create a paradigm shift for the 40% of households where mom does run the show, and how husbands and wives can embrace the new experience of family life without losing their identities and sense of purpose in the relationship.

The Pew Report was a starting point but it’s not a report that you look at and cry, “Return women to the home!” or yell, “More power to women!”  This is a much more complicated issue than either of these proclamations can even grasp.  What we need now is a bigger conversation, a deeper dialogue, one in which we unashamedly and fearlessly open our mouths and our lives to the realities of what it means to be women breadwinners in a world that still doesn’t fully embrace the idea.  It’s time for husbands to rally with their wives and openly discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly of being Mr. Mom, Mr. Desi Ball, the husband of Sandra Bullock, or Reese Witherspoon’s sidekick.  We need to talk about the phenomena that happens all too often when a woman rises in her career… only to find her marriage falling apart at the seams.  We need to get into the discussion about why some men can’t hang with a powerful woman… even though they’d met her before the altar… and why some women lack the tools and skills necessary to embrace their divine feminine side and wind up feeling like the “man” when there’s a time to be the woman, not the boss.

Women breadwinner relationships are complex.  All relationships are.  But to narrow that down to one 18+ page report and to have Fox pundits acting like misogynistic coo coo birds and to have media outlets all over the world crying “Look what happened while we were asleep!” as if this revolution hasn’t existed since the beginning of time is an absolute slap in the face to the millions of women who fought and died for every right every woman has today.  Your great-great-great-grandmother dreamed that May 29th would come.  She dreamed that her female offspring would have even half the opportunities we have now… but never in that dream did she imagine that people would question the fall of man or the destruction of the family simply because women contribute more by being MORE of who they are.  If the tables were turned, we would never question a man’s rise financially, educationally or socioeconomically.  We’d pat him on the back and say, “We knew this day would come.”

It’s high time we gave every woman breadwinner a high five and say, “I knew this day would come.  Well done powerful lady!  Well done!”

Want to know the 5 things I believe the Pew Research Report

on Women Breadwinners isn’t telling you?

Click below and listen my podcast on it:

https://soundcloud.com/womenbreadwinners/women-breadwinners-and-the-pew

I Committed a Woman Breadwinner Sin This Morning… (Read Time: 3 min.)

Starbucks 1ralphs picYup, I did… committed a woman breadwinner MAJOR NO-NO this morning…

On a regular basis, I remind my woman breadwinner clients to do three things:

1) Create joy by creating time

2) Create time by delegating tasks

3) Delegate tasks by creating rituals, schedules, and routines that offer both efficiency AND fun

Each client is different and we’ll do that in a different way.  However, one of the core things I say often is: “Don’t get sidetracked during your day!”  Don’t… as in don’t get sucked into going to Wal-Mart to spend $5.00 and come out having spent 2 hours and $300.00.  Don’t meet your friend for a cup of coffee when you know you deserve some ME time, thinking it will be 30 minutes and wind up going to JoAnne’s Fabrics with her and helping her pick out new curtain prints for three hours.  Don’t decide to do a mini-clean up of the house for 15 minutes and, three hours later, feel further behind in work and more pissed off at family than you needed to be if you’d just left the living room messy.  Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t…

And so what do I do this morning?

Drop the kids off at school thinking, “I’ll just run to Ralphs and pick up a few groceries… Quick stop.”  Uh huh… A Ralphs, Starbucks, put gas-in-the-car because the car was on E, lug groceries in the door hour later, I’m home with coffee, groceries, and gas but I just lost an hour of my life that could’ve been used elsewhere… Yes, I’m lecturing myself right now.

Bottom line:

Efficiency creates time and time creates space and space creates a life you love to look at.  Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

And when you mess up, like I did today, sip your Americano, write a blog post, and begin again 🙂

Thank God for Starbucks!