Do you suffer from the ‘Champion-Other-People’s-Causes’ Syndrome? (Read time: 3 min.)

searchingAre you good at paying other people compliments, seeing their positive attributes, holding their vision, and encouraging their dreams… and not so good at doing the same for yourself?

It’s called the “Champion-Other-People’s-Causes” Syndrome and it’s a plight that far too many women deal with.  When it comes to someone else’s dream, you have mountain loads of faith.  When it comes to your own, you’re plagued with self-doubt.

Been there?  I have…

So how do you handle this odd and, yet, pervasive, disease?

Three tiny steps that lead to massive leaps forward:

Step 1: Set the baseline of faith at your own doorstep.  Once you decide and accept that you can only believe in and support someone else to the extent that you do it for yourself FIRST, one of two things will happen- 1) You’ll start believing in yourself more or 2) You’ll champion for other people less.  Either option is a step forward because, at the end of the day, you can believe “in” people but you cannot believe FOR them… and your lack of belief in yourself will always show through in the other person’s ability to achieve the thing you’ve used as your escape mechanism for your own dreams.

Step 2: Create Your Own Circle of Support and Ask For Support When You Need It.  So often, we champion other people’s causes because we want to give someone else the level of support and care that we wished we’d had in pursuing a dream.  It’s a noble idea but it’s misplaced ambition.  How often do you see a parent work three jobs, sleep very little, and grow old fast because, in their words, “I wanted to give my children everything I never had”… only to have those kids grow up entitled and disrespectful?  The problem with this logic is that if you put all of yourself into someone else’s dream, they 1- don’t have to work very hard to reach their goal and 2- they have no respect for the achievement once achieved because it ends up not being their dream but your wish fulfilled.  When you consciously get one to three people in your corner and ask them to support you as you pursue your dream, when you go to them for guidance, a pep talk or a brainstorming session when a new idea or a new obstacle surfaces, you create a platform where you say to life, “I am worthy of my own love.  I am worthy of my own time.  I deserve to have my highest dreams come true” and the Universe reflects that back by saying, “Yes, you do…”  Find those two to three people who can hold your vision and count on them throughout the process.

Step 3: Allow other people to pull their big girl panties up and handle their own business.  There’s no nice way to say this: stop being other people’s crutches.  So often, we get addicted to the need to be needed.  Here’s the deal: no one NEEDS any other person.  Desire another?  Yes.  Require another? No.  Once you realize that you can be valued by another person, not for what you do FOR them but for who you are TO them, then you can let go of this idea that you have to constantly prove and show your value by being a constant “help” to someone else.  Remember: Any kind act done out of obligation is not an act of generosity; it is a transaction, pure and simple.  Let people discover their own power by allowing them to live their lives, make their own progress and take their own actions.  That way, you are now freed up to do the same thing in your life.  At the end of the day, a damsel in distress does not need a knight in shining armor.  She needs a keen mind, a clear voice, a gaze that looks forward, and two feet that get her moving in that direction.  Saving other people is not a requirement of your self-worth.  #period

Final note: Encouragement, support and co-dependency are VERY different things…  yet we often confuse one for the other.  When in doubt about which one you’re offering, ask yourself one simple question:

1) As I take this action on someone else’s behalf, am I still front and center focused on my dreams?  If the answer is ‘Yes’, it’s encouragement and it may even be healthy support.  If the answer is no, it’s co-dependency and most definitely unhealthy support.  Check in with yourself often.

Advertisements

What to Do When You’re Tired of Doing EVERYTHING… (Read Time: 3 min.)

School 8I was reading Brene Brown’s book ‘Daring Greatly’ and, in the book, she says the following:

“Going it alone is a value we hold in high esteem in our culture, ironically even when it comes to cultivating connection.” 

For the woman breadwinner, the “going it alone” myth is even stronger.  Combine the overachiever title with the breadwinning role and the fact that most women breadwinners still do most of the housework and you have a situation where a woman breadwinner is often telling herself, “Here I go again… handling EVERYTHING…”  What’s even more ironic is that the same studies that show that women breadwinners still do most of the housework also so that it’s not due to a lack of willingness on the part of male partners… but an unwillingness on the part of women breadwinners to relinquish control… which leads me to an important question:

What do women breadwinners do when they’re tired of doing EVERYTHING?

5 simple steps:

  1. Get over the need that your way is the “right” way; there are at least 250 different ways to do dishes  and AT LEAST 1000 ways to get any one thing done.  You don’t have the market on the “right” way so let it go and be okay with good.  Perfect isn’t for anybody.
  2. Separate what you’re great at from what your good at and let other people do the “good” stuff.  Far too often, we try to do everything, even the things we suck at and the reason is borderline ridiculous: we want the street cred of saying, “I did it MY  way.”  Yeah, the glory doesn’t outlast the burn out.  Stop that…
  3. Resign as Manager of the Universe.  You do not know everything, cannot predict all things, and you do not have a magic ball to predict what will come next.  Decide today that you don’t need to know everything before delegating or making decisions.  Decide, do, and repeat.
  4. Take a day off.  24 hours.  A full day… and not because you have the flu, bronchitis, pneumonia, or broke your leg.  Take a day off voluntarily so you don’t have to experience something that forces you to take a break.
  5. Be okay with not getting everything off your To-Do list.  Love To-Do lists!  I have many calendars and reminders.  But if it all doesn’t get done today, what’s the big deal?  There isn’t one.  Be okay with doing all you can and carrying things over to the next day… and the day after that… until it all gets done and you develop a new list.

At the end of the day, when you’re tired of doing everything, you have to be willing to both ask  AND receive help.  The only way you do it is by relinquishing control.  Don’t worry about things not going as planned.  They never do…

Is Your Pride Hijacking Your Health? Why Women Breadwinners Need to Stop, Look, & Listen… (Read Time: 4 min.)

School 8I used to insist upon doing it all: myself, right, and perfect the FIRST time.

I used to expect, on the rare occasion that I asked for help, that people did it just like me, right, and perfect the FIRST time.

I used to shake my head in absolute knowing when people let me down, didn’t show up or didn’t do what I wanted to my super high standards.

And then I experienced serious, prolonged, and seemingly never-ending burnout… and I was left with no other choice but to ask AND accept help… REAL help.

Women breadwinners know what I’m talking about.  99.9% of all moms know what I’m talking about.

You want help.  You desperately wish people would psychically know that you need help… but you refuse to bow to the level of needing to ASK for help.

It’s this kind of pride that winds you up in one of three states:

1) Crazy

2) Sick

3) Mega-resentful

And, very often, in all three at the same time.

So here’s the question:

Is your pride hijacking your health?

Is your wanting to do it right, do it perfect, and do it yourself the FIRST time exactly the thing that is keeping you annoyed, frustrated, exhausted, overworked, and overwhelmed ALL of the time?

It might be… and if you are the woman who’s bringing home the bacon, the financial provider of your household with all of the responsibilities that this role entails, what will it take for you to release, relax, and replenish so you have the health you need to keep bringing home the bread?

Here’s what it will take:

  1. Honesty.  Pull out a calendar and see how far your 24 hour day will take you.  When you’ve got 50 things on your plate, guess what?  It won’t take you that far.  In fact, you’ll be lucky if you get 3 MAJOR things done in one day.  When you get honest with how little time you actually have in a given day (yes, subtract out bathroom time, commuting time, and all the other 5-20 minute tasks we love to forget we actually have to do throughout the day), you start to realize that, no, it won’t all get done today but at least two or three big things will get done.  When you get real about your time, you begin to use it better (and criticize yourself less about all the things you didn’t have the time to do).
  2. Vulnerability.  I don’t like this word.  It sounds fragile, weak and painfully open but it’s clearly the thing you need when you have to open up your heart and ask people to REALLY help you.  I don’t mean the “let-me-give-you-the-small-tasks-that-you-couldn’t-really-mess-up-if-you-tried” kind of help.  I mean, “Can you watch the kids all day Saturday?” or “Can you cook all the meals this week?” or “Can you stay with the kids while I take a weekend away?” kind of help that requires the vulnerability it takes to say, “As much as I’d like to do this all on my own, I’m not an island.  I’m tired and I need help and your help is absolutely necessary to my success.”  That kind of vulnerability is scary but VERY necessary if you’re going to stay healthy and sane.
  3. Vigilance.  There comes a point where you have to become a master of two words: Yes and No.  Creating and keeping healthy boundaries are critical to keeping your life in harmony.  Forget about having balance.  The problem with balance is that it can never be maintained.  The moment you add one thing to one scale, you throw the other scale out of whack.  What we’re going for is harmony, different things taking a different level of priority at different times but all of it blending together to make beautiful music.  Sometimes, work will take 70% of you and family 30%.  At other times, family will be the 80% and work the 20%.  Be okay with harmony and forget about balance.  The best way to do that comes in being vigilant about creating and keeping your healthy boundaries.

Having all three is a work-in-progress lifetime process.  Don’t worry about getting it perfect.  Just get it going.

Here’s your first step:

Delegate a major responsibility that annoys and frustrates you to someone who you know can and will handle it…

and then don’t micromanage how they handle it…

for the next 14 days.

Yeah… not easy but oh so worth it…

Ever have a moment where you forgot who you ARE? (Read Time: 4 min.)

Kass Pic 1I haven’t posted in the last few weeks.  Every time I looked at my blog editorial calendar, I thought to myself, “I have nothing to say.”  Women breadwinners, female breadwinners, sole breadwinners, women breadwinners and money, love, marriage, kids… so many topics and I had absolutely nothing to say.  Nada… Nothing… Not a thing…

Until today.  I can’t explain what changed or what happened but it took me the last month to return to myself… and I didn’t even realize that I’d been missing.

Ever have a moment where you forgot who you are?

Not your name, date of birth, occupation, or the basic everyday labels of life but the essence of who you are, the spirit that’s within you, the inner fires that still burn bright… Ever forget that they’re there?  I did… and it took me some time to figure out A- what was missing and B- how to return it to its rightful place.

So, here are 5 things I’ve RE-discovered (and I hope it helps you rediscover something in yourself as well):

1) I have an awesome capacity to make s*it happen and happen brilliantly, completely, and with absolute excellence.  Not only had I forgotten that fact about myself but, looking back, I realize that I’ve been dimming the light on that part of my brilliance (in part, to make others feel okay being around me) for a WHILE.   So I’m going to stop that effective IMMEDIATELY.  I’m brilliant and anybody who doesn’t like that fact can take it where? BACK THERE…  #nuffsaid

2) I need more adventure in my life.  Somewhere along the pursuit of stability, predictability, and a sense of security, I forgot that I’m an adventurer at heart.  I like to take risks.  I like to have fun.  I NEED adventure.  Whether that’s going on an actual safari or treating a Target shopping trip like it is one, I need the chase.  So I’m adding more of that to my life.

3) I have no time for people, situations or things that have more interest in whining than growing.  There’s a time to vent and throw pity parties.  I do it.  Everybody does and I am quickly learning to separate those people who share frustration from those who live as victims and, effective immediately, all those who enjoy victimhood will not find time in my inner circle.  Being picky about who you hang out with is critical to success and, somehow, I was getting less picky in the last five years and hadn’t even realized it.  So now I’m doing an inner circle inventory and if a person’s not rowing in the boat with me, if they’re drilling holes as I row the boat, they are getting a one hour notice: bye bye!

4) I can accomplish more faster than I was giving myself credit for.  This is linked to epiphany #1 but it’s different.  I have spent the last five years going through some major ups and downs and, all the while, I spent a lot of the time babying myself, cushioning my back for a fall.  That’s a great skill for a therapist but it’s not a great attribute for a person looking to succeed in a life that will ALWAYS have ups and downs.  I challenged myself this week to do 2.5 hours of exercise a day knowing that I’ve been sedentary for the last three years.  I told myself, “My body can do this.  I’ve done this before.  No easing into it… Just get it done and your body will back you on it.”  And my body has.  For most of this week, I’ve woken up, gotten straight into my gym clothes and worked out for 2.5 hours STRAIGHT.  And I feel amazing!  Oftentimes, we baby ourselves into a state of mediocrity.  And this isn’t about tough love; it’s about living up to your capacity of strength, agility, and performance.  If you’re not doing that, you’re not growing.

5) Smelling good, dressing impeccably, and sporting high heels are critical factors to my self-esteem.  Having spent the past few years in sweats and sneakers, I can tell you that I am ready for an extreme Kassandra makeover.  I forgot what it felt like to strut out daily in 3 inch heels and a sweaterdress smelling like Chanel No. 5 and feeling absolutely impeccable.  I’m working a plan to bring that back so between the gym, Victoria’s Secret, Bath & Body Works, Chanel, Gilt.com, and a really great hairdresser, I’m bringing my sexy back!

These five discoveries were HUGE for me… game changers… and it’s brought back a level of creativity, focus and joy that had been missing for some time.

Is it hard work?  Yes.  Anything worth having is…

Am I in the “arrival stage of it”?  No.  Life is evolution.  I’m never going to “arrive.”  I’m simply choosing to re-introduce me to ME, get back to HER, and enjoy life for what it is… Hope you’re doing the same!

What in your life needs organizing? (Read Time: 2 min.)

woman cleaningEver work on a messy desk?  How does it feel?  Ever climb over exercise equipment to get to a bookshelf or a file cabinet?  How well is that working for you?

Clutter can be a frustrating and disruptive extra guest in your home and life… and it’s one that we spend way too much time ignoring.  So often, women breadwinners come to a place where it feels like there’s never enough time to do EVERYTHING that has to be done in a day…

Would you like to get more time in your day and more energy in your life?  

Here’s the answer: Get more organized.

So… for the next 4-6 weeks, I’m going to devote She Runs the Show to blogging about simple, strategic, super-effective ways to clear clutter, usher in new energy, and get organized… all in less than 20 minutes a day.

I’d love to say that every woman breadwinner has an hour or two a day or an entire weekend to clutter clear and organize but let’s be real: we already have no time and many of us really aren’t that enthused about engaging in a DIY project anyway.

So… in the next post, I’m going to cover The top 10 Things you need From the Dollar Store to Clear Your Bedroom & Free up Space (Yes, the Dollar Store).  Join me later this week…

Baby or Business? (Read Time: 4 min.)

mother 2The more time I spend on this journey to having more children, the clearer it becomes that conceiving a baby and birthing a business have opposing needs.  I know there are women who’ve been where I am, building the business that I’m building, and have gotten pregnant, carried twins, and given birth, all while keeping the company flag waving… but I am having trouble keeping 100% dedication to birthing a business AND a baby.

This post is for all the women breadwinners out there who are considering having a baby (first, last or somewhere in the middle)…

I want to get my body geared up for pregnancy… really I do.  But the idea of 7-9 hours of sleep a night, giving up caffeine, getting plenty of sunlight, rest, reducing stress, cleaning up my eating, and following a regular exercise regime all feel and seem contradictory to what it takes to build a 7 figure business as you have other children, other priorities, and other commitments.  I keep waiting for more time to open up… it doesn’t.  I keep hoping I’ll find that “magic pill” or that “magic book” that will give me the 4 hour workweek I need to get it all done… hasn’t shown up yet.  And the one thing that keeps radiating inside of me is something I’m refusing to listen to:

Something’s gotta give…

Yup, I hate that.  I remember when I wanted to conceive my second son.  I lived that truth.  I wanted a baby so badly that I changed my life, my eating, became a personal trainer, dropped 70 pounds, gave up coffee, and got in the best shape of my life just so I could have a shot at getting pregnant… and I did get pregnant… twice.

But, now, years older and with less biological clock time than I had before and more goals than ever, I find myself at a crossroads about what to do.  I’m constantly running the different scenarios in my mind and asking, “Can I REALLY put A down to make room for B?”  And I’m on the fence about it…

At some point, I’m going to be 80-something years old and I’m going to sit in my rocking chair and look back on my entire life… and what will I see?

Will I care, at 80, about the various blog posts I didn’t put up on the site?

Will I be concerned about all the extra hours I didn’t put into the business?

Or will I look back and regret the fact that I gave up my most fertile, reproductive years in pursuit of a level of professional attainment that I had the rest of my life to attain…

See, that puts EVERYTHING into proper perspective.

So I know what I need to do.  I know WHY I need to do it.  The question is:

Will I listen this time and do it?

The jury’s still out on that one.

#tobecontinued…

Whose baggage are you carrying? (Read time: 6 min.)

School 7I was reading an article about female breadwinners.  It talked about the way in which the husbands of these breadwinners felt emasculated and, as a result, the breadwinning wives carried around with them unspoken guilt about their husband’s loss of identity… and it left me wondering:

Whose baggage are you carrying?

I get the mommy guilt, the woman breadwinner resentment, the wanting Superman and finding bliss with Clark Kent.  What I don’t get is why we continue to have this dialogue about how women breadwinners have tougher marriages, greater divorces, and spend less time mothering their children… all because they make at least 60% of the annual household income.

How do you win in a society that says “Damn you for being successful!” on the one hand and “Damn you for being dependent!” on the other?

How is it that women have come so far and still they carry with them other people’s baggage, other people’s issues, and other people’s guilt?

Is it not enough that we carry and bear children, that we’ve spent thousands of years being dominated, treated like property, and tossed aside like trash?

Isn’t it time we put away the old paradigm of expecting men to be bullet proof and women to be soft as silk?

The answer is yes.  But if women breadwinners continue to carry their spouses’ baggage, their boyfriends’ hangups, and their partners’ insecurities, don’t we keep sending the message that women breadwinning is somehow wrong and that the women who do it are, in many ways, committing a societal sin?

Women are breadwinners because they can be, because they want to be, and, in many instances, because they HAVE to be.

This is a sign of forward movement, not a symptom of societal decay.

It is not a woman breadwinner’s job to “make” her partner feel more like a man nor is it his role to become her maid, her housekeeper, or her babysitter.  We aren’t talking about two people who happen to be roommates.  We’re talking about two people who signed up for the same journey, who agreed to enjoy the ride, and who decided that they were stronger together than they were apart.  That means you love who you’re with.  It means you support their highest potential.  It translates into focusing on what makes the relationship work, not what makes the parntership suffer.

We’ve come so far… and, yet, we haven’t.

I remember in college, as women, we were told, “You can have it all!”

What “they” didn’t say is that “having it all” isn’t always a win.

Sometimes when you win, you lose… and, sometimes, when you lose, you win…

So what do you do when you’re tired of carrying around other people’s shame, guilt, anger, frustration, and resentment?

1) You let other people’s  baggage go.  You do this by not making anyone else’s emotional hang-ups, opinions, or concerns your own.  Be very clear about what you think of your woman breadwinner status.  When someone comes your way with negativity, separate their issues from your beliefs.  Say to yourself, “I’m not taking them or that comment personally” and then move on to something more positive.  Change the topic of conversation.  Focus on your goals.  Ask them to stop the negativity.  Walk away if you have to.  Someone can attempt to hand you their baggage but you get to decide whether or not you accept it.

2) You stop defining your life by your role.  You may fill the role of a woman breadwinner but a woman breadwinner is not who you REALLY are.  People like labels because they like to arrange their worlds in neat, tidy categories.  You don’t have to be one of those compartments.  Nobody is their title.  You can decide here, today, that while you might fulfill the role of a breadwinner, you are so much more than that.  You are not your stuff and you are certainly not your breadwinning title.  Begin to define your life by  WHO you are, not WHAT you do… and the title (woman breadwinner) loses all stigma and all unnecessary pressure.

3) You start enjoying your life AND your role.  Bask in the freedoms you have that your great-grand mothers didn’t.  Enjoy what it means to experience financial and professional freedom.  Give thanks that you’re a woman who lives in an age where your influence, freedom, and power have never been more available to you.  Instead of making this role your job, see it as ONE of your callings. Be present to all the gifts and blessings that come with running your own show.  Forget about the cost.  No matter how you slice it, it’s better on the side of financial, professional and personal freedom.

4) You continue to speak the truth about your experience of the journey.  No more shame, blame, or guilt about days when you don’t love your role.  Some days you won’t.  No more apologizing for being brave, brilliant and daring.  You were born that way.  Why apologize now?  No more acting as if you wish it were the Leave it to Beaver decade.  Talk to your grandmother.  You don’t.  Tell the truth about your experience of this role and don’t shy away from being candid about both the ups and the downs.  Our daughters and granddaughters will either benefit from your wisdom or learn painfully from your silence.  You get to choose…

And, above all, NEVER believe that your power costs anyone else their own.

 It is the most insidious lie society has ever told and they tell it so strongly about women.

Men don’t apologize for being brave.  Why would we ever apologize for being strong?

Run your show, own your value, and speak your truth…

#sherunstheshow

It wasn’t better “back there” (Read Time: 4 min.)

woman 25I was going to write a different post this morning.  I was going to talk about how to not be distracted in life, how to stay the course and stay on purpose.  But it’s hard to do that when you’re present life is becoming increasingly drama-filled or anxiety ridden.  There’s been all of this talk about the Pew Report and women breadwinners, about single mothers who make no money versus married women breadwinners who bring home the bacon.  All of the media headlines and the debates and the discussions… and, yet, nobody’s really tackling the issue.

So I’m going to tackle a woman breadwinner issue this morning:

Wishing for a better past

Human nature is a funny thing.  The grass always looks greener on the other side, doesn’t it?  When you’re single, you wish you had someone.  When you’re married, you long for those single days.  When you have babies, you just want some sleep. When you have elementary school kids, you miss having babies to cuddle.  It seems as if we’re always living in the shadow of a past we think was better than it actually was or in serious anticipation of a future we expect to be 100 times better than  what the present currently is.

And it’s all a lie.  Every bit of it.

This kind of “wishing” for something different gets even worse when you’re going through a trial or life difficulty.  For women breadwinners, it could be a stressful work situation or recalling a time when you weren’t the breadwinner (and loved it) or even looking at how your friends live their lives (i.e. not being the breadwinner, not having the stress, not having to fill so many roles) and you start to believe (falsely) that it was so much better “back there.”

Let me help you out with this:

It wasn’t.

It wasn’t better “back there.”  If it had been, you’d still be “back there.”

Your mind forgets a lot of past details.  We propagate the human race based on this kind of amnesia.  If you remembered every detail of pregnancy, labor and delivery, would you really have done it five or six times?  I think not…

You might think you want to be as naive and ignorant as you once were so you wouldn’t be facing what you’re facing right now but guess what?  Ignorance is not bliss and naivete comes with a steep price.

Nothing about “back there” was a fairy tale story… even if you have yourself believing that it was.

Was it different than today? Yes.

Was it better than today? No.

Every step you took, every mistake you made, every experience you had, all of it brought you here and even if here is sheer and utter hell, you were brought to it so you could move through it.

Do not dull the importance of today’s journey because you wish that yesterday hadn’t gone so fast.  It did.  Today will.  Tomorrow might.

There may have been a time, prior to now, when you felt more in control, more at ease, and maybe even more at peace but the lesson of that isn’t that the past was so much better than the present but that, in every moment, then and now, you get to decide exactly how you feel.

You’ve been in a spiritual classroom all this time.  In your most difficult moments, recognize that the classroom didn’t change.  The subject matter, the difficulty level, and the final exam did.

Don’t wish that you were still living in a past that feels better today than it did back then.  When you were in it, you didn’t think so.  Now that you’re out of it, you’re looking for a reason to go back there.

Remember something really important:

“Today is the future I created yesterday.”

– Louise L. Hay

And if you’re still living “back there”, you aren’t creating over here.  You’re rehashing, reliving, and resenting… and you will create MORE of that in your future.

Is that what you really want?

Okay then… take that “wishing for a better past” where? BACK THERE…

#keepitmovin

Women Breadwinners & The Crazy Question (Read Time: 4 min.)

thinking 1For all the talent, strength and experience women breadwinners bring to the table, it’s amazing that many women breadwinners still stay up at night grappling with the same question:

Am I good enough?

It’s a crazy question taking up so much mental space that it’s time to deal with the issue RIGHT NOW.  Insecurity comes in many shapes and sizes.  A person can feel confident in their physical appearance and insecure in their intelligence.  A woman can feel great when she’s speaking in front of a crowd and lousy when she’s talking to a person one-on-one.  The variations of insecurity and self-doubt are countless but the root of all self-doubt is the same:

You believe a lie about yourself so strongly that you make it the truth.

How do you stop asking the crazy question, “Am I good enough?”

How do you stop feeling stuck in a certain spot in life because you’re not “worthy”?

How do you let go of your what your mother, father, brother, sister, or some long ago teacher said about you, the thing that stuck in your brain as a child and is now wreaking havoc in your life as a story you keep retelling?

How do you get over not being enough?

You decide to, one area of life at a time, one day at a time, one step at a time.

You DECIDE not to believe the lie someone told you decades ago.

You DECIDE that you run the show and you get to be whoever you choose.

You DECIDE that your dignity, your respect, and your self-esteem are worthy of your time.

You DECIDE that you can be MORE of who you are and that’s it not selfish to do so.

You DECIDE that anyone who doesn’t like you being brave, brilliant, and daring isn’t worth keeping in your life.

You DECIDE that you have to grow… no matter who gets left behind.

You DECIDE that the only way to live is to do so fully and full throttle living requires ALL of you.

You DECIDE that you weren’t an accident, that you aren’t a mistake, and that you were born to do great things.

You DECIDE that rock bottom is the foundation upon which you can build your life and you begin building it TODAY.

You DECIDE that the only opinion that matters is yours.  Yes, other people’s opinions will sting.  Yes, they will hurt.  And, no, they won’t matter if you make YOUR opinions the facts and their opinions heresy.

You DECIDE that asking yourself crazy questions and keeping yourself awake agonizing over the answers is a TOTAL and COMPLETE waste of time and you stop that RIGHT NOW!

You DECIDE that it is far too exhausting to emotionally beat yourself up than it is to energetically build yourself up… and you choose to build, not beat.

You DECIDE that, at the end of your life, you don’t want to be the bitter old hag who grumbles about what everybody’s taken from her and that you’d rather be the wise, gorgeous old woman who basks in all that she’s received, shared, and given.

You DECIDE that today, right here, right now, you can give up that old story and write a new one… and you do so with a pen, with your words, with your mind, and, especially, with your heart and you rewrite the script of your life scene by scene, line by line.

You DECIDE to be different because you recognize that you NEVER have to be a person you don’t like.

You DECIDE and you DO… and then everything changes, most significantly, YOU…

The beautiful part of this answer, the scary part of this response, the thrilling part of this adventure

is that the entirety of your self worth and self respect is COMPLETELY UP TO YOU…

YOU DECIDE… 

21 Things You NEED to Do to Get What You Want in Life (7 min.) (Read Time: 5 min.)

searchingDo you have what you want in life?

Do you bitch about not having it?

Are you so focused on what went wrong in the past that you aren’t able to effectively use the present to create the future?

Let me help you out here:

Stop wishing for a better past.  I’ve tried it.  It doesn’t work.

Stop living in the land of woulda/shoulda/coulda.  You did the best you could, it was enough, and you can do better now.

Stop arguing for your limitations.  If I had a dime for every person who speaks a heck of a lot more about their liabilities than they do they’re assets, I’d be a billionaire.  Stop that!

So, now that we’ve got the ground rules down, where do we go from here?

UP!

Lots of people talk about the “secrets” to getting what you want in life.  Let me debunk it for you:

THERE IS NO SECRET.

There are 21 things you NEED to do to get what you want out of life and guess what?

Most people can’t hang with it (consistently, persistently) past #5 so if you can get past #5, you’re the cream of the crop.

Try these 21 steps for the next 30 days (in no particular order; work it, repeat it, change it as needed) and see what unfolds.  As Benjamin Franklin once said, “Energy and persistence conquer all things.” AMEN!

1. KNOW- Know what you want.  Let me help you out with this: if what you want changes every other day, you don’t know what you want.  Know your desired outcome and STICK with it. #nowifflewaffle

2. DECIDE- When you know what you want, you have to decide what actions you’re going to take to have that.  Take massive action by deciding what steps you’re going to take TODAY to get there. #decisionscreatedestiny

3. DO- I love planners who perpetually plan but never execute.  That won’t get you where you want to go.  Once you KNOW and DECIDE, it’s time to DO.  Today.  Take action.  Get it done.  Don’t let time, money, or other people limit you.  Stop looking for immediate reward or gratification.  You are planting seeds here.  Put on your farmer’s hat and focus on dropping seeds in the ground and nurturing the soil.  It’ll take root and bloom on its own time.  If you don’t go into a restaurant, order a meal and then insist upon going to the back to watch the chef cook the meal, why are you micromanaging your dreams and expecting a return before it’s harvest time?  Stop that.  Do your best.  Give your best.  The rewards will come with consistent action and consistent focus, all up to you! #justdoit

4. KEEP DOING- I love people who do the “Okay, I went to the gym once.  Where’s my 50 pound weight loss?”  Really?  Well, having a gym membership only correlates to weight loss if you actually go there repeatedly over time.  The same thing applies to whatever you want in life.  You have to keep taking action, ESPECIALLY when you’re not in the mood and seriously when you’ve lost the “want” to do it.  Remember: Do what you HAVE to do now so you can do what you WANT to do later. #beyourbest247

5. CHANGE AS NEEDED– Your end goal needs to be clear but how you get to that end goal is always up for reconsideration.  Plans will change.  Strategies will change.  As Tony Robbins says, “Stay committed to your decisions but stay flexible in your approach.”  Roll with life’s punches.  Stay clear on what you want but remember that there AT LEAST 1,000 ways to get there.  Do not limit yourself to ten.  Don’t complain about things not working until you’ve tried 999 DIFFERENT ways to approach it.  Until you’ve hit 999, you haven’t earned the right to complain. #thatisall

6. FOLLOW THROUGH- Keep your promises.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep.  Treat your time as sacred and honor the commitments that are most critical to creating the life you want.  Follow up with resources, relationships, and people who can help you get there.  Follow up and follow through are the name of the game.  Do not get bogged down by rejection.  It’s temporary unless you make it permanent.  When a door closes, be quick to look for another door or window.  Go the distance by staying the course. #followthrough

7. KEEP YOUR FAITH- When you feel like giving up most is usually when you’re closest to the next breakthrough.  No matter how tired you are of waiting for life to be the way you want it to be, adopt (from the very beginning) an “I don’t believe in defeat” attitude.  As Norman Vincent Peale has said, “The rough is only mental.  I think victory- I get victory.” #period

8. ENJOY THE RIDE- Waiting to arrive really sucks because you never really do.  If it isn’t one thing, it’s another so why waste time waiting for this or that to happen?  Life is a rollercoaster.  Put your seatbelt on, put your hands in the air and keep a barf bag close.  That’s it.  Enjoy wherever you are.  It makes the time go faster.  As is said in A Course in Miracles, “Infinite patience produces immediate results.”  Yeah, chew on that one for a day or two. #twistedbuttrue

9. LET DRAMA AND NON-SENSE GO- That includes drama prone people, places and things.  If you’re focused on creating the life you want, you have no time for emotional vampires.  Anyone who is sucking your energy dry needs to be kicked to the curb.  Stop calling, texting, and emailing.  Stop responding out of guilt that they have no one else.  Let me help you out here: emotional vampires  ALWAYS find their next victim.  Simply decide that you are not it.  In other words, you have no time to waste your energy on people who have no intention of making their lives better.  When you hear a misery prone, constant complainer/whiner who always seems to be in one drama situation or the next, take my advice: #dropemlikeitshot! #justsayin

10. REMIND YOURSELF WHY YOU WANT IT- Every now and again, you’re going to say to yourself, “Do I REALLY want this?  Why can’t I just settle for a “normal” life like everybody else?  Why can’t I just be happy with what I’ve got?”  Let me help you out here: A) You aren’t everybody else nor do you want to be, B) If you were meant to follow the herd, you’d be a sheep (sheep is plural but I can’t tell you the singular version of the word), and C) God would never put a desire in you that He didn’t also provide the internal resources for you to fulfill so you’re not wanting what you can’t have or what you are incapable of creating; you’re wanting what you were born to desire.  You need to remind yourself on a regular basis WHY you want to create this kind of a life.  You need to keep the WHY ever in front of you so when the going gets tough, your momentum doesn’t get going.  The “what” of your journey will not be enough to motivate you.  Only the  WHY will. #keepyourwhywhenthingsgettough

11. TAKE TIME EVERY DAY TO FOCUS ON WHAT IT WILL FEEL LIKE TO HAVE IT- Feelings create faith because when you feel that something is possible within you, you feel a surge of energy to take the actions necessary to get there.  Make time to close your eyes, visualize the outcome, and bask in it.  Those feelings will drive your to-do list for that day in a way your logical mind can’t.  Feel the achievement of the dream and the dream comes that much faster. #feelitintoexistence

12. EVALUATE WEEKLY HOW  MUCH CLOSER YOU’RE GETTING TO IT- Why do people hate stats, KPIs, and number crunching?  Numbers are your friends, especially when you run the show.  If you tell me you want to lose weight, then I want to know how many days you’re going to work out, for how long, doing what and how many calories you’ll consume each day in addition to that.  With those numbers and body measurements every four weeks, we could evaluate your results (based on your actions) and quickly decide if the strategy’s working or if it needs to change.  When people tell me, “I don’t really want to commit to a certain number of hours per week, calories per day, or words written per day”, I know they’re not ready.  Why?  Because if you can’t commit to daily actions, you aren’t ready to actually get there.  #dontletfearkeepyoufrommeasuringvictory

13. DON’T STOP UNTIL YOU HAVE IT- That means, until you get EXACTLY what you want, keep giving ALL you have to ALL  you do.  Don’t let up.  The closer a person gets to his/her dream, the more that person seems to let down their guard, lesson their efforts.  Don’t do that.  Give 100% because that’s how you do it.  Don’t see results coming and think, “Hey, I can take a little rest here.”  No.  Focus and give your max because giving your best is what you were born to do, regardless of the outcome.  The other thing I see people do is settle for “good enough.”  Tell me any child who incessantly asks for a puppy, receives a rock, and is thrilled to have that.  Life will pay you any price you ask.  Don’t be the person who accepts pennies instead of hundred dollar bills.  Don’t stop until you get EXACTLY what you want. #nomincingwordshere

14. WHEN SIGNS TELL YOU THIS AIN’T IT, LISTEN THE FIRST TIME- How many times do we go for something that really isn’t for us, get signs that it really isn’t for us and we rebelliously keep pushing?  There’s a difference between persisting on a road that’s meant for you and bullishly staying on a detour that wasn’t yours to take.  Your intuition and life experiences will give you clues as to which journey you’re on.  Listen the first time.  You do not have to spend forty years in the wilderness if you listen to your inner knowing the first ten times it tells you “This ain’t it!”  #listenthefirsttime

15. FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE IT ALREADY- Point 11 begins this but let me finish it here: if you live like you’re missing something and you’re constantly in pursuit of getting “THE” thing, you’re living in a “waiting to exhale” way of life.  Don’t do that.  Nothing is missing from today.  Nothing.  When you finally get that and decide to be happy today, it’ll put you in a mode to be more productive, super efficient, and happier in the meantime.  By the way, most of our lives are spent in the “meantime.”  Why not enjoy the now?  #lovetoday

16. LIVE LIKE YOU’RE NOT WAITING TO “ARRIVE”- Re-read Point 15… TEN  times… #readuntilitclicks

17. CELEBRATE NOW- Gratitude brings more things to be grateful about.  No matter how bad your day, find ONE THING to be grateful about and live in that space on that one thing until the rest of the day turns around or until tomorrow comes. Whining, complaining and throwing a pity party will happen but you need to set limitations on that.  Misery loves company and you don’t want to attract people to you who bitch about everything that isn’t working.  Remember: what you focus on grows. #celebrateallthatis

18. TRUST THE PROCESS OF LIFE- Life is either on your side or its not and you get to decide which world you live.  Be really conscious about deciding (daily) what world you live in.  Either life is a daring, bold adventure that you got to go on or it’s this hideous, unfair, ever menacing experience that happens to you every time you turn around. #choosetheadventure

19. BECOME SO GOOD THAT THEY CAN’T IGNORE YOU- Don’t keep your talents, gifts and abilities a secret.  Stop dumbing yourself down to make other people feel better.  No amount of slaughtering to your self esteem will ever make another person feel big who doesn’t.  Decide that your talent makes room for you and show it off every chance you get.  Proclaim your talent.  That’s not selfish; it’s called being honest. #yesyou’rethatgood

20. REMIND YOURSELF THAT PERSISTENCE IS THE ONE FACTOR THAT DETERMINES SUCCESS… AND DECIDE THAT YOU’VE GOT IT IN SPADES- Re-read Point #6… TEN TIMES… talent, genius, money, good looks, and tons of friends will get you no where if you aren’t resilient enough to persist NO MATTER WHAT.  The only thing that distinguishes the victim from the victor is that the victor decided to be the last one standing. #bethelastonestanding

21. NEVER GIVE UP- The life you want may seem TOTALLY unreasonable.  Good!  Tony Robbins put it this way, “Unreasonable people rule the world.”  Resist the temptation to give up on your dreams and settle for a “normal” life.  You aren’t normal.  Life gives you what you settle for.  In fact, remove settle from your mental dictionary and replace it with UNREASONABLE.  You don’t have to bargain with life and you don’t ever have to beg Godfor what He so freely is willing to give you.  You get what you believe you deserve.  #believeyoudeservegreatthings

Those are the 21 steps.

I bet you knew each and every one of them.

How many of the above do you implement on a REGULAR, CONSISTENT basis?

Yeah, get ‘er done!